Symptom Probable Cause Solution

Drinking fails to Mouth not open or Take a six-pack and
give satisfaction glass being applied practice in front of
and taste, shirt to wrong part of face mirror until drinking
front wet technique is perfect

Drinking fails to Glass empty Find someone who'll
give satisfaction buy you another beer
and taste, beer
unusually pale

Feet cold and wet Glass being held at Hold glass such that
incorrect angle open end points toward
ceiling

Feet warm and wet Loss of self control Move to nearest dog.
After a few minutes,
complain loudly about its
lack of training; demand
beer in compensation

Bar hazy and out You are looking Find someone who'll buy
of focus through the bottom you another beer
of your empty glass

Bar swaying Unusually high air Insert broom handle down
turbulance, perhaps back of shirt
due to darts match

Bar moving You are being Find out if you are being
carried out taken to another bar. If
not, complain loudly that
you are being hijacked.

You notice that the You have fallen over If no one is standing on
wall opposite you backwards your drinking arm and your
is covered with beer is full, stay put.
ceiling tiles and Otherwise, have someone
has a flourescent help you up and lash
strip across it yourself to the bar

Everything has You have fallen over Same as for falling over
become dim. Your forwards backwards
nose & lips are
bleeding

You wake to find You have spent the Check to see if it is
your bed hard, night in the gutter opening time. If it isn't,
cold, and wet. You treat yourself to a lie in.
can't seem to find
your bedroom walls
or ceiling

Everything has gone The bar is closing PANIC!!!!
dark and quiet