Creative Answering Machine Messages
- Creative Answering Machine Messages
-
- "Hi. Now you say something."
-
- "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so
you can talk to
- it instead. Wait for the beep."
-
- You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go
on and on,
- wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We
aren't in,
- leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple
and short. I
- pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer
through another
- long answering machine message when you call me...
-
- (Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we
didn' have
- fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to
call and call
- until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don'
like 'em, but
- I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a
meshage. Thanksh
- a lot.
-
- You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a
garage sale in
- "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but
we are not sure
- it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means
the machine did
- not work.
-
- Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
-
- Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm
open to
- suggestions.
-
- Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please
- speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these
- magnets.
-
- Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is
in the shop for
- repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is
done... (Cachunk!)
-
- Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
eloped with her
- tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want
anything cooked
- while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
-
- Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My
- owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their
carpets are
- clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need
their picture
- taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and
they will get
- back to you.
-
- Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim,
push 1 on your
- touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on
your touch
- tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your
touch tone phone
- now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is
a good way to
- work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time
phone system.
-
- (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a
message, please
- wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number,
please press
- pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial
your number. If
- you want to leave your name and just a message, press star,
press 6, ask for
- extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want
to leave your
- number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin
in a circle,
- press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
-
- This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
-
- thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your reason
- for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll
think about
- returning your call.
-
- (In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...
-
- Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave
your name,
- number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as
soon as I can.
- Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the
answer is NO. Bless
- you, my child, and have a nice day.
-
- Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave
your name and
- number, I'll be right with you.
-
- Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
We know how
- you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please
hang up.
-
- Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please
leave a message
- and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
-
- I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I
feel stupid
- talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you
could help me
- out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.
Thanks.
-
- I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
basement
- printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you
need any money,
- or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave
your name,
- number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're
from the
- Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
-
- Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a
- message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
-
- Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a
moment, I'll
- have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll
be thinking
- about it...
-
- Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So
start talking
- and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the
phone.
- Otherwise, well, what can I say?
-
- This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your
name and number,
- and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate
you in a
- federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
-
- You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your
voice patterns
- are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once
this is done,
- our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for
literally
- thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge
for this
- initial consultation. However our staff of professional
extortionists will
- contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits
of our
- service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember
to speak
- clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
-
- Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying
to call me,
- you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were
trying to
- call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at
the tone. I
- don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only
that I won't.
-
- (Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as
soon as
- possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
-
- Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
now. Leave a
- message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
-
- Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a
message. Hang
- on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle
stuff around.)
- OK, what would you like me to tell me?
-
- We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please
rotate your phone
- 90 degrees and try again.
-
- You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy
- now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability
to resist
- suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to
- leave your name, number, and a message.
-
- As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on
reality. You
- begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is
next to an
- answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light
flashes on the
- answering machine... You hear a beep...
-
- I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message,
name and number,
- I'll call you back when I am...
-
- I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave
your name and
- number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
-
- I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know
this is an
- answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an
illusion, or maybe
- YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a
message, and if
- it's reality, I will call you back.
-
- I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So
please leave a
- message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I
might not take
- one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone,
you might have
- to deal with me in person.
-
- This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do
to... I mean, do
- FOR you.
-
- (Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just
about to steal
- Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number
I'll... Uh,
- I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the
way, where did
- you say you live?
-
- If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right
- now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't
at home and
- it's safe to leave us a message.
-
- I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to
tell me how
- this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for
posterity.
-
- (Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello,
this is the
- executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because
he's DEAD! Leave
- a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll
call you back.
-
- Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately
resurrections and
- divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so
leave a message
- and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.
-
- (Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not
able to respond
- due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name
and noomber,
- we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!
-
- Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that
yesterday was
- the last day of the previous period of your life. After the
beep you can
- tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message.
Thanks.
-
- I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice
phone you have
- there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have
answering
- machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't
you give me a
- call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I
might even play
- my beep for you.
-
- (Ominous electronic background music:) In honor of Halloween,
I'm about to
- perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a
message. Unless
- you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT
MIHI DEI
- ACHERONTIS PROPITII...
-
- Science fiction
-
- Bridge, Kirk here.
-
- Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? --
Captain, there is a
- transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want
it on screen?
-
- (Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the
final frontier.
- (Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine.
Its two
- semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone
number. (Voice
- 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
-
- Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of
the Universe.
- Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the
tone. Keep
- your hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside the car
at all times.
- Enjoy your ride.
-
- (Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!
-
- Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to
the phone right
- now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed
peril, or
- perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the
beep and he
- will return your call.
-
- A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line
to a channeler
- in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast
into the
- future.
-
- You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our
agents are busy
- undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to
phone at the
- moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone
and a
- representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for
your
- assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate
blenstron.
-
- Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to
the phone right
- now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message,
I'll have him
- call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in
next week's
- National Enquirer.
-
- Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone
right now because
- I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made
up of
- antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the
resulting
- energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet
firecracker. So leave a
- message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my
component
- particles have been restored to their normal charges.
-
- Brevity
-
- I'm gone.
-