Here is my transcription of Jeff Goldblum on "Very Important Pennis"
(out on BBC video in the UK).
Firstly, let me explain just who Dennis Pennis is....
Basically, he is a guy we have on telly (every week on the Sunday Show, and compiled into 3 of his own shows which have now been released on video) who specializes in making celebrities look ridiculous. He himself has bright orange hair and wears daft suits with, let's say, "unfashionable" glasses. He puts on an American accent as well. Now the celebs either laugh with him, haven't got a clue what he's talking about, or get very offended. Pierce Brosnan, for instance, was quite amused (as was his lady escort) with "When I went to see Goldeneye, I was glued to my seat.......otherwise I would have left.", whereas Dustin Hoffman wasn't too impressed with "Did you see the Bruno vs Tyson fight? Because you reminded me so much of Bruno that night. Neither of you could come up with a hook that people wanted to see.". Of course, our man Jeff (sporting a weird haircut) and his total relaxedness falls into the former category. Here it is (explanation of the British-isms at the end):
| Dennis: | Jeff. Quick word from the BBC. |
| Jeff: | Hello, you look so good. |
| Dennis: | You look good too. |
| Jeff: | Thank you. |
| Dennis: | Thank you. Listen, I always wanted to know about the...the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park (Jeff: Yes, sir.) - how they made them look so real. I mean, there were times when David Attenborough was almost believable! |
| Jeff: | Who? Who? Richard Attenborough? |
| Dennis: | Dave wasn't it? Oh no, it was Richard. |
| Jeff: | Richard Attenborough. (Dennis: You're right) Of course, yes. Erm, you being from the BBC especially. Erm.... |
| Dennis: | I should have known that. |
| Jeff: | You're not an imposter are you? What have you done with (Dennis: I'm not an imposter) the BBC....fellow. |
| Dennis: | Nothing. This is starting to peel off. (meaning the BBC sticker on the microphone as Jeff has started idly picking at it) |
| Jeff: | The...they made them look ve...very real. Erm, the...the...the...the greatest people, you know, erm. Ah, you know, erm, all sorts of techniques, and the computer animation and th.... |
| Dennis: | I don't really wanna know. (Jeff looks a bit confused and then smiles) But I mean, you know Holsten Pils, right? (Jeff starts laughing at the ridiculousness of the whole thing) They were the official sponsor... |
| Jeff: | You're a madman! (Dennis: They were...) You're a madman. |
| Dennis: | Thank you. (Jeff: Yes.) That's the nicest thing you could have said to me. But, I wanna know about Holsten Pils, right? |
| Jeff: | What about it? (Jeff is now very intrigued and amused) |
| Dennis: | They were the sponsors of Tottenham Hotspur (Dennis does a derogatory fake spit). I just wondered whether you'd feel responsible if Sugar ever turned to Alcohol. |
| Jeff: | He's funny (points at him). You're funny. You've got a funny....(does a "talkie" motion with his hand)...funny way of... (Dennis: I have.) way of speaking too. |
| Dennis: | A funny (does the "talkie" motion). Is that funny? |
| Jeff: | Yeah! It's amusing. |
| Dennis: | Could you do a little bite for me? For the BBC. (Jeff: A bite.) Could you say "Hi, I'm Jeff Goldblum. Every time I'm in England I watch BBC 3". |
| Jeff: | Watch this! Hi I'm Jeff Goldblum. And me, every time I'm in England I watch BBC 3. (voice deepens) Yes I do! |
| Dennis: | Ha! Liar! (Dennis looks really pleased with himself) |
| Jeff: | Noooo. You told me to say it! He told me to say it! Ah Jesus. |
And now an explanation:
Firstly, Richard Attenborough is of course the guy in Jurassic Park. David
Attenborough is a guy famous over here for his nature programs which is why Dennis got a
bit confused.
Secondly, Holsten Pils is a lager we get over here that Jeff used to do the adverts
for. The advert line for Holsten Pils was "Most of the sugar turns to alcohol".
Holsten Pils also sponsor Tottenham Hotspur, one of our football (soccer, of course) teams
who are owned by a man called Alan Sugar. I'm sure you get it by now.
And thirdly, we don't actually have a BBC 3. There is no such thing.
There you go.