Humour
Laughing is good and I think humour is a very important part of life. That's why I made this page with jokes, which hopefully can make you smile.
This page is meant only for fun so I hope that no one will be offended by the jokes. However, if you think that a joke is to rude, or inappropriate by any other reason, please tell me. My e-mail address is located at the bottom of this page.
Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference. At the station,
the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of
the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see", answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram
into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,
please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers
decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station,
they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a
ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket", asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see", says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram
into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his
restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and
says, "Ticket, please".
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a
whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides
that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the
next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library
and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy
Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope
huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'
". A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem
is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'.
They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week.
They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a
commotion.
The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give
their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.
The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the
elephant cage".
The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant
cage".
The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me
Peanuts".
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom
teeth.
"Eighty dollars", the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount", the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to
$60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with
a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."
"Nope", moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hm", says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for
the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."
"Marvellous", says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said,
"and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to
send her a few bucks myself."
Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: Fill the tank with gasoline.
Q: Why does a Yugo have a heated rear window?
A: So you hands won't get cold while you're pushing it.
A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and
shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your
Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone." The driver
of the Yugo said, "That's great man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the
back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. A
Roll-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in
the back of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and
went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his
Rolls-Royce.
The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb. It came complete with
silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver
of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late
that night. It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on
the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until
finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out. "I now
have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver
of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me
THIS?!?!".
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig holes in the ground and the other would come
behind him and fill the holes.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to
ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "What are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind
you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick
today."
A man and his wife arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, but were told that the
keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found a mechanic
working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As they watched from the passenger's side, the guy instinctively tried the door handle and discovered
it was open.
"Hey," the man announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the
hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came
to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps
banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all
night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my
bagpipes."
A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers.
The next day, two groups of workers show up. A crew of five Italian men and a crew of five blonde
women.
The company cannot decide whom to give the job to, so they give them a test. The company boss says,
"Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able
to hammer it in first, they will get the job."
Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the company trucks with the long
telephone poles sticking out the back.
A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns.
"YAY!!" they shout. "We came back first, we get the job!!".
"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes
back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke
down."
"Fine, no problem," say the men.
An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrives. The entire
group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labour.
"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.
"What do you mean, 'what took so long? Do we get the job?"
"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"
"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in
halfway!!"
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple
is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While
waiting, they wonder whether they could get married in heaven.
St. Peter finally shows up, and they ask him. He says, "I don't know. This is the first time
anybody ever asked. Let me go find out." So he leaves.
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder whether they should get married in heaven,
what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder.
"Will we be stuck with each other forever?"
St. Peter returns after another month, looking bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple.
"You can get married in heaven."
"Great," they say. "But what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in
heaven?" St. Peter, red faced, slams his clipboard to the ground. "For crying out
loud!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a preacher up here. Do you have
any idea how long it will take to find a lawyer?"
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building.
Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me,
officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right
there."
She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same
area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said
to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went
by!"
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber
refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's
work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I
cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public." The next morning
the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I
cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system." The next
morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the
quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the
University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time -- however, after all
the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday
morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain
to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to
come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a
spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The
guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the
professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and
told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical
formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this
is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing
some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you", he announced. "Will
the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble", came the reply.
An investment counsellor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in.
Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young
lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants,
"in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned
forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm
so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every
penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
One day this Swedish guy walks into a dingy little storefront travel agency, holds up a page out of a
newspaper, and says: "You say in this ad that you have a wonderful luxury cruise for only
$69.95. I want to go on this wonderful luxury cruise."
The guy behind the counter says "Sure. Do you have the $69.95 in cash??"
"I sure do," says the Swede, plunking the money down on the counter.
At that point, two big thugs leap out of a closet, whack the Swede over the head, drag his
unconscious body out the back door, stuff him in a barrel and drop the barrel into a river that flows
past.
A few moments later, a Norwegian guy walks into the same dingy storefront travel agency, holds up the
newspaper ad and says: "I want to go on this $69.95 wonderful luxury cruise."
The guy behind the counter says: "Sure, you got the fare in cash?"
"Yeah, you betcha," says the Norwegian, slapping the money on the counter.
Again, the two big thugs leap out, pound him on the head, drag his limp form out the back door, shove
him in a barrel and drop it in the river.
After a while, the Swede and the Norwegian regain consciousness, and they find out that their barrels
are bobbing along together.
The Norwegian says: "Good Afternoon. Tell me, do you happen to know if they serve dinner on this
cruise?"
The Swede shakes his head and says: "No, I don't think so. At least they didn't last
year."
A wife hears her husband crying and bundled up in a corner of the bedroom.
"Honey what's the matter?" she asks.
He say's "Do you remember when your dad said, get married or go to jail?"
"Yes, but why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today!"
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known
for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible
plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the
nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone
pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he
sobbed.
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at
the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next
to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false
teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The
man then said, "I have another pair - try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair.
Try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went
over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is
your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
A newly married man asks his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a
fortune?"
"Darling," the woman replies sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter who left you a
fortune."
A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop
the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her.
The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there
was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't
have any change for a reward."
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive
vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where would I find a fake Jeep?"
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and
said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the
director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told
his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However,
after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the
director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged
his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio broken."
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day,
burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a
mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the
excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it
out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's
age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
The teen-aged girl was telling a friend that she was really worried about her mother.
It seems she's always fatigued from staying up all night long.
Her friend asked, "What's she doing staying up all night? At her age, that's not good
at all."
The girl replied, "Waiting for me to come home."
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well son, it was 1932. The depth of the
Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the
entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing
them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of
which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well son, it was 1932. The depth of the
Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the
entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing
them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of
which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside
their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs,
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said,
"Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say two words every 7 years.
After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words.
"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his
2 words.
He clears his throat and say, "Bad food." they nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they
bring him in for his 2 words. "I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say. "you've done nothing but complain since you got here."
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea,
his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:
"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for
his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might
be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with
you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man
that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his
largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the
suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the
Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one
carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave
behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says,
"You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy obliges and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again.
This time, though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.
The police officer pulls the guy over and says, "I thought I told you to
take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did, and today I'm taking them to the beach."
"Wake up, daddy. You forgot to take your sleeping pills."
A building contractor was being paid by the week. One day he approached the owner of the
property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less
than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred
dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to
be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "OK", says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
